vicarious enthrallment.

my bff stacs. 05.14.09

so i was in swoozies (my favorite gift store on the planet) trying to find stacs the *perfect* little engagement gift for our very impromptu celebration last night. anyway, turns out - they don't have a whole lot to choose from for an, um, more mature [read: over 30] bride. a sparkly tiara that said "bachelorette" didn't seem age-appropriate (not that anything about me is age-appropriate), but i did find one sparkly tiara that said "bride to be". there. much better. so much more, um, adult, right?

afterwards, i was having lunch with one of my [guy] friends who finds most of our antics amusing and found it equally amusing how ecstatic i was over the whole thing. he asked me if i was jealous. jealous? i had to pause with bated breath before erupting into laughter. despite my excitement and affinity for the girly wedding fun, the thought of myself actually ever being a second-go-round-bride makes me want to vomit. ,i know (or rather, sincerely hope) that will change at some point in the future, but definitely not in the foreseeable future.

but the conversation made me all the more aware of how very different things are on this side of adulthood, post-divorce. what a difference a decade - and a divorce - can make. so many girls in their early twenties are wrought with envy over all things bridal. but girls in their thirties - especially ones like me who've already had the big ring and the big wedding - find it refreshing to bask in the sincerity of the happiness and vicarious excitement. and with age comes the wisdom that this isn't about one special day, but about two people choosing to share life together. and at 32, that is more enthralling and intriguing than any of the wedding frivolity ever was.

perhaps the only less-than-desirable feelings that my best friend's engagement has evoked is the strange mix of both envy and awe at how irritatingly and utterly UNafraid these two people are about entering into marriage for a second time. that is the kind of self-assurance and self-confidence in my choices that i aspire to ... someday. in the meantime, i felt a few twangs of anxiety and panic when purchasing - and thus, making a commitment to - the hanging plants for my front porch... which reminds me, i may need to check on them... work in progress.


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