i had too much to think last night...
(completely unrelated to the blog below...)
ebb and flow. the blog so often follows the ebb and flow of my life. ebbing when my life is flowing and vice versa. february was, obviously, a month of blog ebbing and life flowing. at warp speed. if i could send a literal postcard from adulthood today it would be black and white. no color. no picturesque landscape. just three little words in typewriter font: this place sucks. [okay, maybe there would be an asterisks next to the word sucks or a parenthetical disclaimer somewhere in tiny print, alluding to the truth that it only sucks sometimes.]
i'm just sayin'. sometimes it really does. you know it. i know it. and if you're on this side of adulthood post-divorce, you more than know it. i think this is especially true for those who, like me, married before actually becoming an adult. there was very little, if any, transition period from the security of my parents to the security of marriage. beginning adult life - even married - is still stumbling through a mix of idiocy and ignorance, but at least you're walking through it with someone, either having someone to brace the fall or falling down together. divorce thwarts you into the wilderness. without a compass. without a flashlight. and certainly, without a map.
marriage, parenthood, divorce - all life experiences from which i would say i have gleaned all sorts of valuable lessons, maturity, wisdom and insight and yet, at the very same time, i find myself utterly inept at the practical wisdom and life skills that necessitates living life on my own. wisdom beyond my years in some aspects and far (hear me: faaar) below in others. instead of a scarlet D, sometimes it's like i need a little sign or maybe a t-shirt that simply says, "i have no idea what i'm doing...".
and so this is a blog about everything. and nothing. one single blog in the month of february is pressuring me into the month of march. it isn't that i've nothing to blog, it is that there is too much and not enough time to sort through what is sharable and what isn't and then compartmentalize the shareable nifty little, profound titles... i need less flow and more ebb - as evidenced by this blog, which has been sitting in my 'drafts' folder for days. i had assumed it would work itself out, as my blogs often do.. my own words - as if working entirely on their own - beginning with randomness and eventually winding into specific direction, towards some specific purpose and perhaps this one would have evolved, if there were more time.... and less pressure [to click the 'publish post' button].
so here's hoping for more ebb and less overcommitted insanity and with the click of publish, getting this randomness out of the way will pave the way for blogs that are more... blogworthy.