my friend stacy invited me to a scrap booking retreat. "whats a scrapbook?." i replied. it sounded so vaguely familiar. oh, right. those things i have stacked on the shelves in my laundry room/office... those things that i used to be absolutely obsessed with. i have, like, seventeen of them... all seemingly from chloe's first year and a half of life. and then there's parker's single baby scrapbook. unfinished. and hundreds and hundreds of dollars of creative memories supplies. but that's another blog in and of itself.

photographs are precious to me. i've taken thousands and i backed them all up - religiously - on my massive gigabyte external drive that i could literally spend the whole scrap booking retreat weekend organizing on my laptop. it's a start. and as i began organizing the file folders, i stumbled upon a little photographic jewel. my before photo. before what? exactly? oh, if it weren't so late, i could branch off into a plethora of facets, but in keeping with a similar vein of the last post, i'll just stick with the weight loss. i had forgotten all about this particular picture.

everyone says you should take and keep a 'before' photo before you begin a weight loss odyssey. lots of people advise putting it on the fridge is a deterrent from overeating. not a bad concept... unless you are an emotional eater. coming face to face with fifty extra pounds at the refrigerator door was never a motivational tool for me. it's why i was overweight in the first place. food was my drug of choice; my diversion that allowed me to avoid any negative emotions or realities. but i did take the dreaded before photo (obviously) which was eventually a useful tool along the way as a visual reminder of my progress and a reminder of a place that i never wanted to go again.

at one time, i would've simply said, "this is me before i began losing weight and this is me now...", but some sort of strange detachment occurs over time and looking at the before picture now, three years later, all i can think is, "who the heck is THAT?!".

sometimes, when i'm really struggling, i'll take down the one pair of size 18s that i keep hanging on the wall in my closet and step into them and i try, i really try to remind myself what it felt like when those pants were tight. i know that i was miserable. i remember that i would stand in my closet and cry, but stepping into those pants and looking at those photos no longer evoke the emotion of misery. relief, certainly, but i've long since lost touch with who i was then, what i felt then ... and i'm reminded... that maybe that's not such a bad thing.


  1. So I am in tears....thanks a lot! It's amazing how much we have in common. "i would stand in my closet and cry" -- I still do this. These pics are amazing and a great inspiration for those of us who are still 'weight watching' and struggling daily. I know it will always be a daily struggle, but I am trying my best to fight the battle for real this time. Thank you for sharing.


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