Monday, June 4, 2012

lead me.

"So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way ...
To lead them."
~ Sanctus Real lyrics

i'm so reluctant to write about life being difficult and, at the same time, reluctant to avoid writing about the difficulties of life.  it isn't all rainbows and butterflies and i'd be remiss, as a believer, to pretend that it is.  i am a single mom and though my situation is oh so much better than its stereotypical definition, there are moments when the reality of it is just as painful.  my children are blessed to have a wonderful father in their lives.  i am blessed that, in spite of our divorce, we coparent well together, love them to the absolute best of our ability and in many ways have kept their sense of family intact. 

but still.  we all have those moments of utter despair.  we all have those moments of sinful failure.  and we all have those moments of hurt.  not only as parents, but as people.  we all have those moments when others, in the midst of their own hurt, hurt us.  i know because i have been on both sides of the hurt.  i have hurt others with both my actions and my words.  as our pastor says, "we are all just one step away from stupid".  i confess that i have taken that step more times than i'd like to count.  scriputre tell us that it is "from the overflow of our heart, the mouth speaks" - and yet, it also tells us that our human hearts are utterly "deceitful and wicked above all things".

there is an old cliche' that says [as a Christian] "i am not perfect, i am just forgiven", and though it is certainly true, i think it is much more apt to say, "i am not perfect, i am just completely, utterly, totally dependent on God's continual mercy, grace and forgiveness".  in my (albeit short) walk with Christ, the place where i am most vulnerable to hurt is no longer when others bring up my past, but it is when they cast judgment on my present.  i am convinced that the enemy uses those moments, and those words, not only to damage, but to discourage.  to keep me silent.  to keep me from writing.  to keep me from following - and sharing - Christ because i am not worthy of doing so or capable of doing so.  and the truth is, i am unworthy.  and the truth is, in my own strength and wisdom, i am incapable.  of writing.  of sharing.  of loving.  of parenting.  of everything.  Christ Himself said, "apart from me, you can do nothing."  and He meant it.   

and so, as i grow, i am learning to become less dependent on my own strength and more dependent on His, less dependent on my own wisdom and more dependent on His word.  some days, it is a struggle to remind myself that i am defined only by who He says that i am.  and everyday, every single day, i am reminded that i can't do this alone.  that i am desperate for Him.  and i am desperate for Him to lead me.  the words of this song become the cry of my heart.  and allover again, i give Him my whole heart and beg Him to lead it.  this is the beauty of surrender and of abiding.  this is the beauty of failure and of forgiveness. 

Oh Father, lead me.  
    
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear them saying

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone.

1 comment:

  1. I dont think you realize what an inspiration you are to others

    ReplyDelete