Friday, October 14, 2011

course correction.



every once in a while something, or someone, crosses my path that brings me to a moment of pause. sometimes it spurs a quiet moment of reflection. a silent pondering. other times, it resonates as a thundering jolt, a rumbling so deep and so strong that it quakes the ground beneath my feet and brings me to my knees. it causes me to question everything i know about my life as i know it and is very often the tool in which God uses to alter the direction in which i am headed. there have only been a few of those moments in my life thus far, but one of them came last night as I read these words written by a twenty-two year old Tennesseean and adoptive mother of fourteen Ugandan children living in Uganda:

"I have absolutely no desire to write a book about myself. This is a book about a Christ who is alive today and not only knows but cares about every hair on my head. Yours too. I'm writing this book on the chance that a glimpse into the life of my family and me, full of my stupidity and God's grace, will remind you of this living, loving Christ and what it means to serve Him. I'm writing with the hope that as you cry and laugh with my family you will be encouraged that God still uses flawed human beings to change the world. And if He can use me, He can use you." ~ Katie Davis

i stumbled across katie's story. literally. and figuratively. stumbled and fell flat onto my face and instead of jumping right back up, as i tend to do, i sat still. i downloaded her book on my ipad and sat and read... and wept. whatever deep rooted , ambiguous calling on my life that I continaully bury within the depths of my heart was forced upwards, forming a lump in my throat, pressing tears into the corners of my eyes and out down my cheeks.

page after page, this story of a young woman who, with reckless abandon, sacrificed every luxury that this life and culture has to offer to follow the Lord simply wrecked my heart. it was more than conviction of the chasm between what i claim to believe and what i live, it was and is a longing. sitting on the other side of the planet, nestled in the corner of my bed in my comfortable home with its freshly manicured lawn and swiping the pages of my ipad with my freshly manicured nails, i longed for something that I couldn't define ... i longed for what she was experiencing, what her words were describing. there in the midst of an impoverished and disease-ridden land, days filled with seemingly insurmountable challenges, unfathomable sacrifice and yet, inexpressible joy... and then i realize:

Jesus. I was longing for His presence and longing to pour my own life out for His glory, to live a life filled with His presecne and have a heart filled with His inexpressible joy.

"I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the LORD. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God." ~ Psalm 84:2

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." ~ Psalm 42:1

Oh, Lord, how did I wander so far ... again... and where do I go from here?

i've often felt as though life is running five minutes ahead and i am out of breath, running behind. i am in the throes of my thirtysomethings. remarriage. parenthood. little league and dance recitals. all too often there is too little time at the beginning of my day and too little left of me at the end of my day to pour myself out or in to anything. i have been lost in a sea of comfort, complacency, conflict and complaining - and i have been so atrociously and utterly selfish. because that is our human nature. since the fall of man, we have hearts inclined to think that this life is about us - and that our pursuits should be about our happiness.

But the Lord, in His infinite wisdom and perfect timing, send us reminders that this life is about Him and that our pursuits should be about His presence and His glory.

"Slowly but surely I began to realize the truth: I had loved and admired and worshiped Jesus without doing what He said . . . I wanted to actually do what Jesus said to do. So I quit my life... Jesus wrecked my life, shattered it to pieces, and put it back together more beautifully.” ~ Katie Davis

Jesus, please wreck my life. Amen.

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