Saturday, February 20, 2010

sticks and stones.

sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never hurt me break my heart.

i received an email yesterday filled with words sticks. and stones. all hurling towards my heart., inscribed with words like: disloyalty. dishonesty. pridefulness. materialistic. deceived. unchanged:
"You are very intelligent ... and are more than capable of saying and writing all the "right" things. Whether they truly penetrate your heart and change you and keep you on His path is another thing. I think for the most part ... they only serve to inflate your ego of who you continuously and very loudly proclaim to be in Christ."
it's been nearly two years since i began blogging and writing again. i had loved writing in the earlier years of my life and it, along with many other things, got lost along the path i had chosen for my life. i spent so much time constructing the exterior of my life and with it, a beautiful facade for all to see, that i had completely lost sight of... well, everything. i was a miserable, empty shell of person who lacked authenticity, if not identity. i had so many people in my life, maintained so many friendships and relationships and yet all of them remained superficial, lacking the depth of true intimacy. i was afraid to share who i really was and in many ways, it was because i didn't know who i really was.

i couldn't have known when i started blogging what God had planned for me or for my life or what the pages of this blog would become. i wrote purely for the sake of writing and was initially, reluctant to share it because i was concerned it would affect my transparency or that i would use it as a futile attempt to manipulate others' perceptions of me. instead, it became an outlet, and my heart flowed out through my fingers. even in the year prior to the Lord working such a miracle in my own life, i had already begun to pour myself out in ways i had not ever before. i was a mess. my life was a mess. i still am. it still is. i have never attempted, or desired, to deflect from that truth.

i have no idea how many sets of eyes look at the pages of this blog. whether it is a handful or scores, it matters not. i have never written a single word with the intent of trying to proclaim that i am anyone or anything other than a completely wretched and broken woman who has experienced, by the grace of God, mercy, love and redemption beyond what my human heart can comprehend.

every single time i sit down to write, it is never with the intent to convey a particular message to anyone. the cybershelves of this blog have, over time, become an online journal where i have poured out and shared, without reservation, whatever the Lord pressing on my heart TO ME. FOR ME.... for me. i pray, with all of my heart, that i have not ever attempted to persuade anyone into thinking that i have this thing figured out or that i walk this path with steps filled with prideful self-confidence because i don't. because i can't. there isn't any hope for any of us to live authentic lives or have an authentic relationship with the Lord apart from our willingness to admit that we cannot, ourselves, do anything.

and so, my only LOUD proclamation is this, the same that Paul wrote to Timothy: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all." (Tim 1:15)

my words. my life. my blog. it is not my intent with any of these things to share - or proclaim - anything about who i am, but simply to share a glimpse of who HE is and of this awesome, miraculous, thing He has done - and is STILL doing - in my heart and in my life.

i do not have a message or even a hope of walking this 'narrow path home' in perfection; my only message is one of hope. hope that is found from walking it with Him and allowing Him to pick us up when we stumble, when we fall, and when we run to Him bruised, bloodied and battered both by self-inflicted failures and by the sticks and stones of others. He does not offer us the trite phrases of consolation, but the promise of His word and of His redemption and of His love.

if there is this hope for me, there is this hope for anyone.

to everyone who has read the pages of this blog, that is the only message i have ever had to convey. and let me set the record straight in the event that i ever once indicated that i somehow "did this own my own": i did not choose this path. it was not because of anything i did that i am on this path. i did not "do the right thing" and choose Him. He chose me. i don't know why anymore than you do. but i DO know that it is only by His mercy, His grace and His awesome love that He delivered me and the words that i write, these words that you read, are merely postcards from the journey on which He has set my feet.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up
according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Ephesians 4:29

2 comments:

  1. Of all your past blogs, old and new, "Narrow Path" has been my favorite. It's been a blessing and encouragement for me to watch your spirit grow, and it shows so much in your writing.
    Ephesians 4:29 is a verse that has recently pierced my heart.
    Keep up the good work, Nadia!

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  2. Hopefully the person who chose to judge your heart will truly examine his/her own, as the words hurled at you speak volumes (Luke 6:45). Praying for healing for both of you.

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