free indeed.

the narrow path home to freedom

"He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed... " Jesus

Luke 4:18

beginning the new year in total and complete freedom in Christ is the most exhilarating experience of my life. although my journey with Him has been unfolding throughout most of this past year, as the year comes to a close, i have become increasingly aware of this freedom that i have in Him. truly, He came to set the captives free. i know because i was one. the realization that i am finally free after years of turmoil and struggle is overwhelming. i am free - not just from persistent sin in my life and the penalty that i deserved for such, but i have been rescued, saved from myself.

i have not walked this path in perfection. at times, i haven't walked at all. i have crawled. other times, many times, He has carried me. i have fallen flat on my face. but the difference, oh, the difference that becomes more clear with each day, with each step, is that the condition of the path beneath my feet is not that which is the most different; but the condition of my heart.

i have learned that, above all else, in Him alone is where my daily dependence lies. if i take one step thinking i can walk this path alone- that i can somehow "do" this thing called the "christian life" apart from being completely dependent and obedient to Him - that becomes the point in which i stumble. and fall.

and lets face it: this "falling down" thing is not unfamiliar to me. after all, i'd spent years falling and then wallowing in the miry pit. a heart that was full of shame and regret eventually hardening to a numb apathy. the difference now is that the inevitable falls along the path hurt. literally, it causes my heart to ache. for years, i had fled in shame or covered myself with darkness, but now - by way of something i can neither describe or define - i am immediately compelled to cry out to Him to pick me up. and I relive the truth of Psalm 40 all over again.

my daughter Chloe will [if you ask her how old she is] proudly proclaim that she is now, "five and three quarters". in the midst of her growing independence she is becoming increasingly prone to break rules we have established to keep her safe, rules like: not jumping on the sofa or playing too rough with Parker. yet, when she falls and hurts herself, her eyes immediately swell up with big crocodile tears just like her mama's and innately, she cries out for her Daddy, whom she affectionately refers to as Dada. oh, I will do if Chris isn't around, but I don't stand a chance if her Daddy's strong arms are there to hold her. Her heart is compelled to seek the loving safety his embrace, the forgiveness of his tender heart.

Yea. God's like that.

for years, i had associated freedom with living for myself. trying and failing to live my life for God certainly never felt like freedom. i was blind, but now i see: freedom is not defined by feet that walk the path perfectly, but by a heart that longs to adhere to it. Only He can transform our hearts and change our desires so that we will innately long for His presence, desire His provision and immediately be drawn back to the refuge in the shadow of His wings.

May 2010, if not this very moment, be when you find true freedom in Him.

"When the Son sets you free, you shall be free indeed." John 8:36

design of delight

"The thief comes only to
steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life,
and have it to the full."
John 10:10 NIV

Christmas is different this year. all of my life, i have known - or rather, thought i knew - the true meaning of Christmas. in Christmases past, it has been a time to celebrate His birth, but this year - it has become a time to celebrate not simply that He came, but why He came.

growing up, i knew that Jesus had come to earth to "die for my sins" so that i might have "eternal life". but why, oh why, do we stop there? there is more. so much more. He came to set me free from the captivity of sin - the captivity of myself; He came to destroy the enemy, the father of lies, who had come to steal, kill and destroy; He came to serve me in my helplessness - my hoplessness; He came to bring me life, but not just eternally, abundantly.

Those who are really "His own" listen to His voice. They recognize that He has been sent from God, and are ready to follow Him as the good Shepherd, who by His sacrificial love rescues His flock from evil and death, and leads them into the best of all pasturage where they can enjoy a richer and a fuller life (9,10). He does not offer them an extension of physical life nor an increase of material possessions, but the possibility, nay the certainty, of a life lived at a higher level in obedience to God's will and reflecting His glory. ~ Barclay's Notes

i'm certain that throughout all my years spent warming a church pew, i heard those words. but this year, i have experienced them through Him.

He has given a life and a love like i have never known and with a heart full of awe and wonder at the design of His redemptive plan, i celebrate His life, the design of delign - the gift of new life.

Merry Christmas!

carried across the chasm.

"...nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing,

will be able to separate us from the love of God,

which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:39

I've often said that I have no idea how I got here, to where I am today. I only know that it was definitely not by own two feet. When others have asked what total and complete surrender really is or how one comes to that point, I am at a burdensome loss. I'm burdened because I want to take out a piece of paper and write down instructions; Burdened because there are no instructions; burdened because contemporary Christian culture has tried to water down the glory and the mystery of Christ into instructions: walk the aisle, pray the prayer, accept Jesus into your heart. not that those things are inherently wrong in and of themselves, but one can do all of those things and never truly surrender their lives and hearts to Christ. I know because I am one who did.

No one can predict or prescribe the grace of God. I cannot define how it happens or even when it happens, I only know that it happens. And it hapens in accordance with His timing, His purpose and His will.

It was a long, long, loooong [enter long a hundred more times here) road home for me. It was not instanteous "A-HA" moment with lightning bolts and thunder. It began as a whisper; a distant calling. Frankly, one I didn't want to answer. Just as I stated in my public profession of faith, it was at the point I truly expected God to give up on me - and far past the point that I'd wanted Him to - that His pursuit of my heart intensified.

When I finally began to answer that call, it wasn't an immediate fall-to-my-face moment of confession and repentence, but blatant honesty with Him. I shared my truth of what I desired: to follow my heart; to be true to myself; to live in the pursuit of my own happiness.

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, did not rebuke my honesty - or my selfishness. Instead, He reciprocated by sharing His truth about what He desired: the truth that my heart is "wicked and deceitful above all things"; He desired for me to be true to Him, and had created me to pursue holiness - and not happiness. But His desire - his deepest desire - was simply me. All of me. Every stinking fiber of my being. Every shred of my devotion and affection and desire. He wanted to become the all sufficient, total and complete satisfier of my soul. Why? Because that is what He created me for. Why? Because He loved me. loved me. He loved me. ME? the prodigal, wandering, selfish, rebellious runaway. are you kidding me?

Brennan Manning in his latest book, The Furious Longing of God, writes:

When the night is bad and my nerves are shattered and the waves break over the sides, Infinity speaks. God Almighty shares through His Son the depth of His feelings for me, His love flashes into my soul, and I am overtaken by mystery. These are moments of kairos — the decisive in-break of God’s fury into my personal life’s story.

It is then I face a momentous decision.

Shivering in the rags of my seventy-four years, I have two choices. I can escape below into skepticism and intellectualism, hanging on for dear life. Or, with radical amazement, I can stay on deck and boldly stand in surrendered faith to the truth of my belovedness, caught up in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God. And learn to pray. (pp. 130-131)

It wasn't over the course of one dark night, but many that I began to experience what Manning describes above. I had my first experience with Christ at the age of fifteen and though I was now a grown woman, the fifteen year old me - she was still there inside of me. still aching for the love of a father and desperately wanting to go home, wherever home really was.

He picked me up and carried me to the place I had always belonged. There was only one way to cross the chasm between who I was and who He was calling me to become - and that was in His arms.

I couldn't follow Him until He'd brought me to the other side. He delivers us to our own earthly "promised land" where our theology meets our reality and the one thing I've learned is that we can't purchase our own ticket or walk their with our own feet. He carries us.

Let Him carry you.

peace without perfection

"This is how we know what love is:

Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

We ought to lay down our lives for our brothers...."

[and let our sisters dress us up like girls].

1 JN 3:16

there was a time in the not-so-distant past that i would've primed and primmed my children for their annual christmas card photo. once in matching smocked outfits and later, a christmas sweater vest for parker and a smocked bishop for chloe. parker having a december birthday has typically added to the stress of the holidays. i'd worry over every detail and hand-made invitations. everything had to meet some unwritten expectation that existed only within myself; an unattainable perfection that i assumed would - when i finally attained it - bring peace.

but what if ...

what if the peace comes only through letting go and not trying harder? throughout this year of having my perception and my heart radically altered, i began to experience peace in the midst of chaos. peace without perfection. the peace that passes understanding. and something really strange began to happen: i stopped trying to make things look perfect. and as it turns out, peace and imperfection are not mutually exclusive. who knew.

i uploaded this photograph to facebook earlier tonight under the caption, "Photos you won't see on our Christmas card", but the truth is, this photograph captures more of the essence of who my children are; who God created them to be and the joy that they bring to our lives more than any perfectly posed professional photograph ever could. parker gets offended if i mistakenly serve his food on one of Chloe's princess plates; he is quick to correct me if i accidentally put a pink or purple lid on one of his primary colored sippy cups, verbally reprimanding, "no, mommy, this is a guwl one". yet, when his big sister wants to adorn him in her best girly attire, he obliges. that is love. and if you ask either of these two where they came from - where this love comes from - they will tell you what it took me years to learn myself, "from God".

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:4&6

don't worry. be happy.