run in the light.

"I am the light of the world.

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,

but will have the light of life."

~ Jesus

admittedly, some most days, i have no idea what i'm doing. much less where i'm going. i've often said there are moments you want to live in and moments you just want to live through. i'm learning, more with each day, with each step, that faith really is moment by moment, step by step.

the path beneath my feet, for so long, conformed to the condition of my heart. most of the time, it was too dark to see the ground below, but i could feel it: hardened, muddy, paved with jagged stones of disobedience. i was dirty. bruised. bloodied. lost. wandering in the wilderness.

there is a great verse in the song "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North that says: "One life, that's all I am/Right now I can barely stand/If You're everything you say tou are/Would You come close and hold my heart". that's a solid paraphrase for what i said when i [finally] cried out to God:

and then, light.

God speaks to us through His word(s) - not just His words as we actively read and study them, but the ones we have hidden on our hearts. words that had laid dormant for years sprang to life in me. when, at last, i cried out to Him, He answered - so clearly it was almost audible: "Be still and know that I am God. Be still..." i had spent a lifetime running: away from God in rebellion or running to God in despair. being still was not something that came naturally for me. but He knew that i would have to be still if i was ever going to learn how to walk. "Be still and know that I am God". (Psalm 46:10)

and when it was time to walk - to take the first step onto this path, i cried out "but i don't know how"... and His answer came immediately, in words i didn't even know that i knew, "walk in the truth of my word". was that even a scripture? i didn't know. i searched the concordance and through tear filled eyes read psalm 86: "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth." (Psalm 86:11)

in the months that followed, He guided my steps, lit my path, and ultimately - transformed my heart. in the weeks that led up to my public profession of faith, i confessed my fear: "but i'm afraid i will run again". and i was. terrified, in fact. running was all i had ever known. i ran when even when i didn't want to, even when i didn't understand why i was running, even at the times when i wanted with my whole heart just to stay. how could i know that i would never run again? and His answer, "You will run. You were born to run. But you will run on a new path that I set before you, because I have set you free." "I will run in the path of your commands, because you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119:32)

i am human and imperfect. gravely imperfect. i trip and fall over the most ridiculous stones. sometimes, i stumble a few feet. sometimes, i fall flat on my face. but the path beneath my feet remains the same, along with the consistency of my heart. truly, He is holding my heart. and the most important thing i have learned so far is that when things begin to grow dim in the chaos of life, His word is the only source of light to our path; He is the only source of light to our lives.

we will either walk in the illumination of His word or in the dimness of the world; according to His will or according to our own wisdom; with him or apart from Him. i have tried the world and my own wisdom, my own way. i have the scars on my feet - and my heart.

i choose Him. His word. His will. His way.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."

Psalm 119:105

the narrow path home to kijabe

a few blogs ago, i shared the story of a family in our church family who have recently moved from Birmingham to Kenya.

many days, i often wonder where this path will lead me; what it will mean for me - in my own life - to sacrifice for the sake of the gospel. it looks different for each of us, but the Shirley family is truly exemplary of radical obedience that follows radical surrender. i am so grateful for their testimony of faith.

i wanted to confirm with Megan that it was okay for me to post a link to their blog, and am happy to have the privilege of sharing their journey of their own narrow path home to Kenya: http://theshirleys.blogspot.com/

the sum of things...

"From the overflow of the heart, the mouth [and facebook status] speaks". Luke 6:45

i still - for the life of me - cannot remember when or why i would have used the term "airborne". other than that, an accurate summation of the fragments of my life, compliments of my "status cloud":

focus.

"When we choose to walk with God rather than of the path to handfuls of other options, we find His perfect will for our lives. We find our promised land." ~ Beth Moore

the Apostle Paul. oh, how i love him. a heinous past, a miraculous conversion. though he faced rejection, imprisonment and a life of perpetual persecution, he went on to write thirteen of the epistles which would alter the course of human history. why? because God chose him. how? because Paul had but one goal: Christ. if ever there was an exemplary traveler of the narrow path home; certainly, it would be Paul.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:12-14

Beth Moore wrote that "we are desperate for simplicity: for a hundred things to narrow down to one." for the various paths throughout the course of our lives to narrow down to just this one: the narrow path home. yes, i am desperate for simplicity. and perseverence. and focus. but daily, i live in desperation for His grace and that, is the only thing that keeps my feet moving.

perfect imbalance.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear,

but of power, and of love,

and of a sound mind".

2 Timothy 1:7

my mind isn't feeling so sound these days. over the course of the last few weeks, my life has become severely imbalanced. oh, all the plates are still spinning, but i am now running furiously to keep them from falling and shattering into pieces. as the end of my first semester draws near, i am consumed and overwhelmed by the final research papers, essays and exams. oddly, this one aspect of my life that is causing the most stress in my life right now is the one i inadvertently forgot to assign a "plate" to.

it certainly didn't help that i moved in the middle of the semester and am living amidst unpacked boxes. i've learned to be okay with the typical mess that ensues with two small children, but the disorder and disheleving that has occured with the move is deeply unsettling: a constant weight pressing against the corners of my mind, along with those photographs i've yet to print, and parker's (my almost-four year old) baby album i've yet to finish.

all that to say, the underylying question in all of this has been how do live my life completely devoted to Christ and yet, still live my life... day to day? in the past, i would've tried to balance it all out myself, carving out my fifteen minutes of quiet time with him in the morning or at night. but now, He reminds me that every moment belongs to Him - along with every plate. He reminds me of His call for my surrender and with it, the peace that passes all understanding. in the midst of the chaos of life, He calls me to, "Be still and know that [He] is God" (Psalm 46:10) and that through Him all things - yes, even this season of chaos - is working together for His glory, according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

our trials may seem trite in comparison to others, but they are trials, nonetheless: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." ~ James 1:2-5.

the bible doesn't offer any scriptures on living what we have come to call the "balanced life". Jesus never gives us instructions on how to make appropriate divisions of our time and of ourselves. instead, He calls for total surrender; self-sacrifice and a heart that is undivided. our balance is in Him and of Him.

"God has promised to supply our needs (Philippians 4:19), and our resources are the riches of God's grace (Ephesians 1:7; Romans 11:33). From these assured "bank accounts" the child of God can draw on an inexhaustible supply to meet every need. Our Heavenly Father is desirous that we trust Him completely and implicitly (I Peter 5:7; Hebrews 4:16), follow the principles of His word reasonably (Psalms 119:11), and love one another fervently (John 13:35; I John 4:18-21). The Conclusion: This is the formula for a full life (John 10:10) that eliminates fear, and produces a balanced wholeness that brings fulfillment." ~ Dr. John Stall

admittedly, i am unbalanced in this life, but in Him - even our imbalance is made perfect.

but God...

"He who has found his life will lose it,

and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it."~ Jesus

Matthew 10:39

the Lord continues to change my heart and my perspective. He has created such a radical awareness of those desperate needs within our reach and consequently, i'm finding it both difficult and disheartening to spend my time, my resources and my livelihood on anything else. its the burden among us that is often paralyzing ... and discouraging. but God... He has replaced my complacency with His action; my apathy with His compassion; and my discouragement with His urging. and encouragement. at times, like yesterday, almost more encouragement than my heart can bear.

it began in my small group. i have no words to describe this small group of brothers and sisters in christ other than to say i have never in my life or years in church experienced such authenticity and realness among a group of people. we share without limitations or restrictions. there are no smokescreens. no veneers. no facades. but real people sharing real life and above all, a real love for Christ. one of my dear friends shared his story of the Lord's redemption in his life with us. it is the essence of true freedom in Christ: being able to share the truth of who we were apart from Him and how He has transformed us. as we gathered around him afterwards to pray for him, i couldn't help but think, "this is what the Lord intended for us as His children".

my eyes were still damp with tears when we entered the worship service after small group. at the beginning of the service a young family appeared on the screens with their oldest child, three year old Claire, singing "this little light of mine". what followed was the husband and wife describing their call to Kenya and specifically, his call as a doctor of infectious disease to go to a nation ravaged by HIV. Claire ended with, "i'm gonna let it shine in Kenya... let it shine in Kenya".

tears of awe and godly sorrow flowed. awe of this young couple's obedience and godly sorrow over my overwhelming lack of obedience in my own marriage. when we began our lives together, the Lord was not even an afterthought. and my plans, based on the promising beginnings of Chris' career, were always based on building a life for ourselves. perpetually planning for the bigger and better of everything. for us. for me.

this family standing before me was comprised of a husband, wife and three children under the age of four. with a promising career in the medical profession, this family could have easily stood as a portrait of what we have all bought into as the "american dream" with inestimable material gain to go with it. but God... oh, because of Him and His calling; because of their surrender and obedience... they have become the portrait of radical sacrifice, radical abandonment, radical risk for the sake of the gospel.

i could not leave without verbalizing what it meant to me to witness such surrender and obedience. "you don't know me, but.." and then i started crying. through tears, i thanked him for his family's testament to our faith family of what it means to give it all up for the sake of Christ. his humbleness and humility was palpable: "we are just ordinary people", he said.

for a long time now, when i tuck chloe in at night, i always ask her if she wants to pray a personal prayer rather than the standard "now i lay me down to sleep" verse. i always tell her that whenever she's ready, she can. i never imagined that moment would come last night. i tried not to act surprised when she said yes, but before i could react, she had already closed her eyes and started speaking, "Dear God, thank you for this beautiful day, thank you for my church, thank you for the seasons, thank you for the trees and my little baby brother, my mommy and my daddy ... and thank you for my beautiful pink room. amen."

ordinary. oh, aren't we all. but God... He is extraordinary and He desires to make us extraordinary, too, if only we are willing.