fly without flapping

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

having grown up in and around the southern baptist/bible belt culture, i had the awareness that christians were supposed to act differently. when i first began attending church as a teenager, i associated this solely as a difference in social behavior; a mental list of do's and don'ts. for me, acting differently was just that: an act. one of my own strength and of my own will. oh, i had good-enough intentions. i wasn't simply pretending to be a Christian, i was simply trying to be one. and failing.

i had tried to change my life without allowing God to change my heart.

the Lord doesn't want us to act different, He wants to make us different. we cannot manufacture the "Christian life" with any authenticity apart from His grace. our lives cannot be transformed by anything we do, but only by what He does in us and through us. when that happens, our works are no longer our works; but His work through us.

i'm still grappling with how it all came to be: His redemptive work in my life and in my heart that has permeated the innermost places in me. it is in explicable. undefinable. unprescribable. contemporary christianity has tried to prescribe it with a "plan" of salvation: walking the aisle; praying the prayer; accepting Jesus. the only problem, as David Platt once said, is that "Jesus Himself said none of these things".

what He did say was for us to lay down our lives and follow Him. our act, our only act, is surrender. utter and total surrender. and i'd gladly tell others how that all happens if i understood at all how it happened in my own life. i only know that it was not by anything i did. it is the mystery of God's redemption and delivery: from self-sufficienty to God-dependency; from rebellion to surrender; from bondage to freedom.

just as an eagle dives from a cliff and soars effortlessly, He called me to dive into His love. for so long, i had struggled like a baby bird flung from the nest, furiously flapping. by His grace – and on His wings – I am no longer failing and flailing: i am flying without flapping.

swimming upstream

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world..."

Romans 12:2

the gospel demands a radical surrender that inevitably requires radical repentence: a turning from the life that was to the life that is - in Him. it is inestimable how many times i had tried and failed to turn and follow Him only to be swept away by the current of the world and of my own selfishness. years spent trying, failing and more often than not, not trying at all. i never understood that obedience wasn't an act of my will, but an act of His grace working within me. He has changed me in a way that i no longer desire to conform to the world, but desire to be continually transformed by His hands. and that grace is miraculous - and scandalous.

Peter wrote, "As a result, we do not live the rest of our earthly lives for human desires, but rather for the will of God." and this next part, he could've written just for me:

"For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, carousing and detestable idolatry. They think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation..." 1 Peter 4:2-5

in the past, my past - not completely unlike the one Peter described for me - this path seemed far too difficult: the temptation to stray, the fear of failure, the self-doubt, fear of others' perceptions. those remnants of my own futile efforts are gone - cast as far as the East is from the West.

when God changed the landscape of my heart and of my life, He placed me in the midst of other believers who long to follow Him with wholehearted devotion. others to walk, encourage - and swim - alongside me. against the crowd. upstream. against the current. against the flow of the world around us.

the desire to turn and swim with the current is gone, replaced with a much deeper desire for those who are where i once was, where i was for far too long. i never expected that the weight of the current would often feel so burdensome. so utterly disheartening. at times, i feel as helpless as the fish in the picture above: no voice to speak. no arms to reach. swimming against the stream as i pass others being carried away by the current... and they don't even know it.

i don't have the answers, but i know the One who does. the world - and our own hearts, apart from Him - will always guide us in the opposite direction. but when we surrender every facet of our being and our lives to Him, it is His spirit and His word that determine our direction; and there is but one direction: Christ and His glory. upstream.

inadequate

so often my words are inadequate. days like today, i begin to write, but what is on my heart comes out in verses that have already been written. and i, in awestruck wonder, can only read along - in humble adoration - remembering my past; remembering those days, months, years of my life when these verses were merely words written on a page in a book. by His grace, he transformed them into truths that are now written on my heart. my heart is burdened for those who only read these words with their eyes, understand them with their minds, but have yet to experience them through His love:

"I love you, Lord;

you are my strength.

The Lord is my rock,

my fortress,

and my savior;

My God is my rock,

in whom I find protection.

He is my shield,

the power that saves me,

and my place of safety.

The Lord lives!

Praise to my Rock!

May the God of my salvation be exalted!"

psalm 18

"Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever."

psalm 73

promised land and puddles.

"I came so that [you] would have life,

and have it more abundantly."~ Jesus

John 10:10

i've lived most of my life in a puddle. or jumping to and from various puddles, rather. finding refuge in shallow, murky water. i had never considered the scriptural context of the promised land applied as a spiritual context to my own life... until recently.

"As I was walking my dogs the other day, I passed three ducks sitting in a puddle. Just over the hill, there is a beautiful pond, but the ducks were content wallowing in that dirty puddle. Some of us are sitting in spiritual puddles when God intends for us to reside in something far more beautiful." ~ Beth Moore

Our earthly promised land, according to Beth Moore, is the place in our lives, along our narrow path, when our theology merges with our reality. david crowder calls this a beautiful collision: when our depravity meets his divinity.

just as the Israelites spent forty years wandering in the wilderness before they entered the promised land. i, too, wandered in the wilderness for decades. the unbelief in my own life mirrored theirs. and their deliverance mirrored my own: it was not by the work of their own hands or concepts of their own ideologies that ultimately set them free. it was a deliverance that only God could have ordained and brought to fruition. and the same was true in me.

did i become perfect? no. will i ever? no. did the struggles in my life mysteriously disappear? no. will they ever? no.

what did change was the desire of my heart: from the things of this world to Him; from willful sin and disobedience to a longing to walk in the truth of His word; from despair to hope; from apathy to pure joy, joy that is not dependent on the circumstances in my life, but found only in Him.

"He lifted me from the slimy pit and set my feet upon the rock" (psalm 40), and the landscape around me was, in that moment, forever changed: from a puddle to a pond; from wilderness to promised land; and from depravity to divinity.

at last, i was free. at last, all that i believed in my heart became a reality in my life. by His grace, i am living in the promised land.

within our reach.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you invited me in,
I needed clothes and you clothed me,
I was sick and you looked after me,
I was in prison and you came to visit me."

Matthew 25:35-36

my life changed tonight: another layer of scales were removed from my eyes, changing not only my perspective, but my vision entirely.

i've been staring at this photograph, scripture and gaping void below it for a solid twenty minutes, futilely trying to conjure up adequate words to begin, but only one thought comes, relentlessly repeating: "what are we doing?!"

a few weeks ago, the Lord began to convict my heart so clearly to pray about how He would have me spend my time, my money, my resources - my life - for His glory. and the answers came as clearly as the conviction that had preceded the prayers, first through the ministry opportunity of Compassion International. as i continued to pray about what He would have me do locally, one local ministry kept pressing on my heart: the Lovelady Center, a Christ-centered, faith-based transitional facility for women and children; over three hundred women and children.

time. money. resources. i'm lacking in all three these days, [according to my own standards, of course]. but, by God's grace, rather than use my present situation to continue justifying inaction, i prayed that God would lead and provide opportunity within this ministry, according to His will. and just like that, He did. i was blessed to become a part of their brand-new mentoring program and will have the tremendous opportunity and blessing to share the love of Christ one-on-one with one of these women and encourage her along her path to restoration. tears are stinging my eyes as i type the phrase, "path to restoration". oh, how i know it well. i long to walk it daily. granted, i do not have all the answers, but i know the One who does; the One whose words illuminate the path. i am in humbled awe of being allowed to share them.

i had never visited the center. until tonight. a group of us traveled together to the member orientation meeting and received the tour afterwards. and that is where my vocabulary begins to deteriorate. with each step i had to forcibly fight back tears. partly in awe of God's grace and partly in utter disbelief that there was such inestimable need in the lives of so many women of all ages, all walks of life and their children right here, within our reach.

what are we doing?

this ministry was the calling of just one woman. one woman who answered God's call and through her obedience to the Lord, changed the lives of innumerable others. this ministry began in her home with five women now resides in the old east end hospital building in eastlake - and is at capacity. we visited one of the rooms that was shared by two young mothers and their babies. beds and cribs filled their cramped living space, which was roughly the size of my master bedroom. as we made our way through the dim corridors back towards the front lobby, i became painfully aware of the strangest things about myself: the weight of my handbag on my shoulder; my earrings; my shoes. compassion and conviction swept over me.

much like a missionary journey to another region or country, you cannot tune it out or turn it off once you have arrived there; you can no longer ignore the need once you have walked in the midst of it; and you can no longer turn a blind eye to those who are within your reach. they are desperate for His touch and we cast it off as the calling of a few when the reality is, we are His body. and we are called to deliver His touch; His love. every single one of us. it is a scriptural non-negotiable. "Therefore go..." Matthew 28:16

i sat in overwhelmed silence during the short commute back to our side of town. i dreaded turning into the parking lot, pulling up next to my pretentious black sedan. the last remnant of my former life; proverbial thorn in my side. i wept as i drove it home and pulled it into the garage. even the interior of my home looked foreign to me. it was as though i was seeing it for the very first time: bane niceties at every turn; things. things were everywhere. my mom, who had been here staying with my kids asked how it went. i looked at her, bewildered, opened my hands as if to hold my living room within my own hands and asked - through tears, "what are we doing?!"...

disbelief flooded me. the horror of my life spent wasted. years spent in selfish angst. worrying. i worried - for years - about what kind of clothes i would wear, what kind of car i would drive, what kind of house i would live in. i had wanted that superfluous wedding; a gaudy oval solitaire. and i received what i wanted - even more, but it was never enough. ceaselessly plotting and planning my life - for my benefit - for my glory. i loved two things: the world and everything in it.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15

apart from Christ and His grace - i would still be me. and i would [still be] plotting and planning and purchasing my way to a "better life" for myself; a life that would surely pass away. the symbolic profession of my baptism has become such a reality in my life. truly, by His grace alone, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me". Galatians 2:20

tonight, just across town from me - from you - there is a ministry in dire need of support: funding, donations, volunteers. three hundred women and children in desperate need. i have heard their voices. i have seen their faces; the precious little faces of their children. within our reach.

Go.

secret church: nov 6th.

two simple scriptures: one powerful message...



tickets are available for $5 online only at http://secretchurch.org.

my everything.

"Your righteousness reaches to the skies,

O God, you who have done great things.

Who, O God, is like you?"

Psalm 71:19

i woke up this morning and peeked out the window, it was still completely dark. so dark, i couldn't see the street below or trees beyond. my bedroom overlooks a little valley and a small ridge in which the sun makes its appearance in an array of splendor on cloudless mornings as these. there is a few moments when - even before you see the sun - the light begins breaks the darkness. the sunrise lasts for a fleeting few moments, but the breaking of the darkness occurs in an instant: in one breath, the night turns to day.

that is my testimony.

i began attending my church as an act of refuge. i knew that in the midst of four thousand, i could easily escape conversation - and confrontation. i could blend in, keeping my head down and my mouth closed without any feigned facial expression or forced politeness. i didn't want to talk to anyone; i didn't want anyone to talk to me. i had lived a life behind a facade and once it was removed, i was no longer capable of fronting. i had not simply gone through a terrible place in my life, i was still very much at a terrible place in my life. i wanted everyone to leave me alone. frankly, i wanted God to leave me alone. i often joke that i chose the wrong church to facilitate that, but the truth is - the Lord was in a relentless pursuit of my heart and it wouldn't have mattered where i was. no more than Jonah could hide from the Lord in bowel of a ship, could i hide from His unwavering love; His constant calling.

it all seems like so long ago. distant and blurry memories of despair. the Lord lifted me up from the miry pit and set my feet upon His rock. my rescue - my redemption - in one moment forever altering the landscape of my life - and my heart. in that moment, He widened the gap between my past and my present, creating an impassable chasm. my past was not that long ago; but it is so far ago. so far:

"as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." ~ psalm 103:12

there are so many people that the Lord has graciously supplied in my life during this season to walk alongside me - many of whom have only come to know me since He changed me. for so many years, God was simply a part of my life: compartmentalized; occasional; sporadic. i'd reference His name in conversation, utter it in haste at a meal time blessing. and while we all share as best we can the story of God's redemptive work in our lives, but when it comes down to the how and the why and the details of that moment of surrender in my life, i am at a loss for words.

it is the mystery and the wonder of a God who's glory our minds cannot comprehend. the power and wonder that we cannot ever fully grasp. in the way the sun arrives in glorious splendor each morning breaking through the night; He did that in my life. i do not know the hows or whys. i only know that for so long, i lived in darkness and in one breath, there was light.

in one moment, He was a part of my life and in one breath, He became my everything.

He is my everything! He desires to be yours, too.