Tuesday, December 1, 2009

run in the light.

"I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,
but will have the light of life."
~ Jesus

admittedly, some most days, i have no idea what i'm doing. much less where i'm going. i've often said there are moments you want to live in and moments you just want to live through. i'm learning, more with each day, with each step, that faith really is moment by moment, step by step.

the path beneath my feet, for so long, conformed to the condition of my heart. most of the time, it was too dark to see the ground below, but i could feel it: hardened, muddy, paved with jagged stones of disobedience. i was dirty. bruised. bloodied. lost. wandering in the wilderness.

there is a great verse in the song "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North that says: "One life, that's all I am/Right now I can barely stand/If You're everything you say tou are/Would You come close and hold my heart". that's a solid paraphrase for what i said when i [finally] cried out to God:

and then, light.

God speaks to us through His word(s) - not just His words as we actively read and study them, but the ones we have hidden on our hearts. words that had laid dormant for years sprang to life in me. when, at last, i cried out to Him, He answered - so clearly it was almost audible: "Be still and know that I am God. Be still..." i had spent a lifetime running: away from God in rebellion or running to God in despair. being still was not something that came naturally for me. but He knew that i would have to be still if i was ever going to learn how to walk. "Be still and know that I am God". (Psalm 46:10)

and when it was time to walk - to take the first step onto this path, i cried out "but i don't know how"... and His answer came immediately, in words i didn't even know that i knew, "walk in the truth of my word". was that even a scripture? i didn't know. i searched the concordance and through tear filled eyes read psalm 86: "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth." (Psalm 86:11)

in the months that followed, He guided my steps, lit my path, and ultimately - transformed my heart. in the weeks that led up to my public profession of faith, i confessed my fear: "but i'm afraid i will run again". and i was. terrified, in fact. running was all i had ever known. i ran when even when i didn't want to, even when i didn't understand why i was running, even at the times when i wanted with my whole heart just to stay. how could i know that i would never run again? and His answer, "You will run. You were born to run. But you will run on a new path that I set before you, because I have set you free." "I will run in the path of your commands, because you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119:32)

i am human and imperfect. gravely imperfect. i trip and fall over the most ridiculous stones. sometimes, i stumble a few feet. sometimes, i fall flat on my face. but the path beneath my feet remains the same, along with the consistency of my heart. truly, He is holding my heart. and the most important thing i have learned so far is that when things begin to grow dim in the chaos of life, His word is the only source of light to our path; He is the only source of light to our lives.

we will either walk in the illumination of His word or in the dimness of the world; according to His will or according to our own wisdom; with him or apart from Him. i have tried the world and my own wisdom, my own way. i have the scars on my feet - and my heart.

i choose Him. His word. His will. His way.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."
Psalm 119:105

2 comments:

  1. hi Nadia,

    i found you sometime back when i googled for "narrow path". you just talked about me here. i'm still very much a babe, lacking in any and every way.

    "..the path beneath my feet remains the same, along with the consistency of my heart."

    i didn't initially get this but just as soon as i finished the later part of your entry, it clicked. my heart's still not right. i know what i have to do, i've experienced His grace and power, yet i still struggle. i have no desire to read His word. i can go on days not talking to Him. i've prayed for him to help me draw near to Him and His word but i'm still in that same place. i told a friend perhaps i wasn't broken enuf. i remember the time when i went back into His light, i LOVED the Lord more.

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  2. TT, thank you so much for your comments. those such as yours mean SO much to me. thanks for sharing. i know exactly the struggle you are referring to and i also know that the Lord is certainly capable of delivering you from that struggle. sometimes, i think, its about what He wants to teach us through that struggle before He brings us home. will be praying for you.

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