"so i woke up at four a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. my default, rather than grab a book and turning on a light, is to grab my phone and browse my facebook homepage to see if anyone else is awake, updating their facebook status... or catch up on all the status updates i missed while sleeping. and i saw your update about Act II, which i had been eagerly awaiting. within a few paragraphs, i was sitting straight up in my bed.
i think we might be the same person...
your story is my story. only names and circumstances are changed. i, too, was always preoccupied with my reputation, striving to maintain the beautiful facade i had created by having built a seemingly perfect life for myself, one that was pleasing for others and i assumed - for God - to see. of course, my specific struggle was not the same as yours, but i was caught in a destructive cycle which i seemed incapable of breaking free from.
i know the helplessness, the self-hatred, the disgust, the shame - the downward spiral into a black hole where there are no longer shadows because there is no longer any light to cast them.
i know what it is like to feel so powerless against something that is destroying every facet of your life and every fiber of your being and have others judge you in the midst of it. i know the lies the enemy tells you during that time: lies about who you are, who you have always been, who you will always be. lies about your inability to change, your inability to do what is right. lies about giving up and giving in and learning to "accept" that this is who you are and that this is the way things will always be. the ultimate lie that you aren't good enough for your spouse. you aren't good enough for your God.
we went through that vicious cycle more times than i can count, each time more brutal than the last. until there was nothing left - until we were both standing in the midst of the rubble of our life together and each waving our own white flags of utter defeat. and we both retreated.
oh, "but God..." how i love that phrase. He remains in relentless pursuit of my heart and even in the clutchers of marital failure, He has never let me go - constantly calling me unto Himself. i do not know how our story ends. a wise counselor once told us that divorce isn't the end of marriage. remarriage is. however our story ends, i believe, now more than ever, that God will be glorified through it.
and so, this is where i begin. my future unknown. i'm reluctant to say with any amount of certainty that God will call us to reconciliation. but i can say with all certainty that He has called me - and is calling me still - to seek Him and only Him. and that is exactly what i am going to do, from this moment on, as i walk this narrow path home."