facades, mirages and reconciliations. part two.

i relented. God persisted.

this is the theme of my life, and of my walk with Christ.

post-divorce, what i wanted from God - if He was, in fact, not going to "leave me alone", was for Him to give me the grace and the peace to move forward with life. i wanted to date. i wanted to establish some level of normalcy. i wanted my marriage - and my divorce - in the past. of course, often what we want from God and what He wants for us are two completely different things. everytime i allowed Him in, the message to my heart was the same. always the same and yet, always opposite of what i wanted for myself.

i began dating, an act of willful disobedience. like most acts of disobedience and diversion, it was fun and exciting... for a while. but with time, the collective experiences of post-divorce dating left me, ultimately, disappointed. and exhausted. and perhaps more than either of those two things, empty. so eerily empty. He was definitely confirming that i did not need to be seeking relationships with other men. period.

c.s. lewis once said that we need to be reminded rather than instructed. and reminded, i was... of how i had so easily returned to my pattern of using other people and other things to fill the gaping hole in my heart and soul that He longed to fill.