Monday, January 5, 2009

beginning again.


today, being the first monday of the new year, truly marks a new beginning for so many. two streams of evidence support this theory: the repeated status updates of my facebook friends lamenting today and the return to work; and the conspicuously crowded parking lot at the gym in the pre-dawn hours of this morning. and so we begin. again.

the fun and frivolity of the holidays as faded as the view on this unusually foggy monday morning. beginning again. its so much more than some generic phrase ushering in a new year for me. this is a new life for me. this is my first new year in, adulthood, that i am beginning alone. unmarried. all of the turmoil of the past couple ,of years leading up to this unmarriedness is now in the past, figuratively. literally. legally. i no longer find myself pondering over what i want to do in this new year, but rather finding out who i am. and where to begin. again.

i set out on the path to adulthood so utterly naive. a heart full of hope and a mind full of totally unrealistic expectations. the proverbial female version of clark griswold, building up people, places, things, events, life itself so much in my mind that nothing and no one could ever have lived up to it.

this is what Solomon referred to as "chasing wind" in Ecclesiastes. he had all that he desired and yet said - nine times - that it was all meaningless. the chasing of wind. this is what we do when we become entangled and in pursuit of anything and everything in life other than Christ and His plan and purpose for our lives. and i am the poster child for chasing wind.

at thirty-two, setting any sort of new years resolution or intent to find out who i really am or seek out some sort of purpose for my life seems a rather daunting task. nearing the reality that today brings for so many of us, going back into real life and reality and to work - the overwhelming awareness of dispassion about my life - looking forward - took me by surprise. as thankful as i am for the job that i have and all that it provides for me in terms of compensation and time with my children, let's face it: i am not very passionate about insurance, investments and financial planning. (although - admittedly - my bank accounts could use a good dose of passion in me regarding the latter).

i felt my way into adulthood with blinders on. blinders on the sides of my rose colored glasses. now that all is said and done, i'm back. square one. not too much unlike an eighteen year old undeclared college freshman. slightly more wise. but only slightly. just enough wisdom to begin again, not constructing my own plan, not chasing the winds of others approval, or of unattainable perfection, but seeking the one who's plans my heart now desires to follow.
i am no longer so naive as to question whether or not God has a plan and purpose for my life. aside from the fact that it is a biblical truth for all of us that know Him - as written in Jeremiah 29:11 - He has proven this to me time and time again in His unrelentless pursuit of my heart. in other words, - plainly speaking - if He didn't have something in mind specifically for me, i feel absolutely certain he would've bestowed this ambiguous calling He has placed upon my heart onto someone else. someone much less... complicated. someone much more... willing. yet the knowing He desires to use me in light of (and not in spite of) all of this, makes it all that much more amazing.

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' Jeremiah 33:3

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for a wonderfully reflective post.

    I also loved the Christmas Vacation reference...one of my favorites.

    God Bless.

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