be still and know.

still water. black mountain, nc. 2002.

according to the movie, happy feet, all penguins have a heart song. in the movie, a few of them conjure up their own personal heart songs. but most of them choose something less original, like lyrics written by Salt N Pepa ... or Elvis. chloe told me one day in the car that her heart song was "Jesus Loves Me". i almost had to pull the car over to sob. "that is a wonderful heart song," i said, struggling to remain composed.

psalm 46:10 is my heart verse. it has been almost a year since the Lord pressed that verse firmly into my heart, beginning a work in me that i have often rebelled against and a work that will, inevitably, take much longer than the He would like, i know. i have a very difficult time being still. i have an even harder time being silent. often, this makes "quiet time" a struggle. and more often, an afterthought in the busyness of life.

nearing the end of this year, there are a plethora of things i could lament over in reflection: mistakes. failures. wrong choices. heartache. divorce. but there is something greater that overshadows it all. something that is ever present. unchanging. God's faithfulness. in those rare moments when i am quiet and still, that verse penetrates the hardness that all of my business has created in my heart. and i am overwhelmed by the realization that He is still here. i'm still learning to stop asking him why.

my heart verse remains consistent, but my heart song changes. throughout most of this year, it has been 'you never let go' by matt redman and the one by the david crowder band. even in the midst of my occasional wandering in the wilderness and outright rebellion, the Lord has taught me over and over and over... and over... that He is faithful to the covenant we make with Him. not in spite of who we are. but because of who we are. and that is captivating. and so, my heart song for today is 'captivated' by shawn mcdonald.

When I wake unto the morning

It gives me Your sight

When I look across the ocean

It echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea

The air in my lungs and the way You made me

That's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You

In all that You do

I am, I'm captivated'

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky

The sun and the moon and the stars so high

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea

The air in my lungs and the way You made me

The blood in my veins and my heart You invade

The plants how they grow and the tree and their shade

The way that I feel and love in my soul

I thank you my God for letting me, letting me know.

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. PSALM 46:10

new years... um, intentions!

i love a new year. i typically consider my birthday to be the true beginning of a new year for myself, but not this year. my birthday is in august, which would mean i am only four months into my own personal new year and that just won't do. i need a redo, so i'm joining the masses and celebrating new year's the old fashioned way. on december 31st. and i'm making my list. only not of resolutions.

i don't believe in new year's resolutions. i really don't. which is odd considering that i meticulously construct my life upon the foundation of utterly unrealistic expectations... one would expect, given that, and my ever-increasing ocd, type A personality, that'd i'd adore the idea of putting said unrealistic expectations into a neat little list. but, it just isn't so. i've always considered resolutions to be trickery of some sorts, setting ourselves up for complete and total failure. and since i am equally terrified of both success and failure, the very idea of formulating an itemized list of all that i need to 'resolve' in my life is more than i can take. i'm much more content with my unresolvedness [i know, thats not a word] being ambiguous, lurking like some mysterious cloud over my head, shading my world with gray... which is shade i've grown quite fond of in recent years.

but i digress. and i do so because i'm beginning to recognize the need for resolve... and frankly, all of the unresolvedness [still not a word] is taking its toll. i'm tired of living in indefinable shades of gray. i need some sunshine. i need a list. because clearly, all of these years of not making a list has not fared so well for me. it's no secret that my life thus far has turned out the complete opposite of what i had so meticulously planned and expected. something's gotta give.

that said, resolution is still too strong a word. i prefer intentions. my list of good intentions. i know the world is on proverbial pins and needles seeing which masses of unresolvedness will top my list, but for that, you will have to wait. until new year's eve. because that's tradition. like black eyed peas and hambone at my mama's on new year's day.

three years ago today...

i received the very best christmas present ever.....

my sweet baby boy, parker

escalating elf magic...

upstairs hallway this morning...

the elf magic seems to be escalating as we draw closer to christmas. you know, the whole *magic* of santa isn't really the flying reindeer or how santa contorts himself to fit through chimneys. no. it's waking up and finding things that weren't there in your house the night before when you went to sleep. as if they magically materialized overnight.

my children don't follow the elf rules too rigidly yet. the elves don't sleep in their sacks. and we never sprinkle them with magic snowflakes, especially since parker got ahold of his shaker and consequently shook them out all over the house. if i had to guess, i'd say that i have already vacuumed up at least ten thousand snowflakes since this holiday season began. i like to think our elves must be truly magic to come alive even without them.

our elves are very multi-talented. at chris' house, they tend to be slightly more creative, fashioning little christmas trees out of tin foil and marshmellows. at my house, they tend to decorate with items that appear to be more, um, store bought. sometimes leaving little gifts and treats, like dvd's and candy canes.

every morning, the first thing my kids do is take off in search of what "those silly elves" have done. it's the same surprised looks on their faces that you see on christmas morning. and i think this is the magic of christmas and the magic of the elves is that they prolong it, stretching out one magical morning to many.

and i love them for that.

freedom of "fwee"...

parker's 3rd birthday

following a birthday party extravaganza at chuck e. cheese this morning and a giant spiderman cake, we took the smaller chuck e. cheese cake to nana's to have with family this evening. the look on his sweet little face says it all. it was a happy day indeed.

parker's actual birthday is still a few days away (the 19th), but we naturally try to separate the celebration from Christmas as much as we can. everyone tells you that time seemingly passes more quickly with the second child and that is so true. it's difficult to believe that three years and eighty pounds ago, i was preparing to give birth to this *surprise* child.

i never wanted boys. or so i thought. i had it predetermined in my mind that i would have girls. two or three of them. and i'd refer to them as such. my girls. the girls. growing up, i always wanted a little girl. and then i had chloe. who has always embodied everything i ever dreamed my baby girl to be... right down to the dimples and giggles.

when we found out we were expecting and that the due date would be so close to christmas, we decided not to find out the gender. this was shocking to everyone who knew me since patience and delayed gratification are not innate traits of my character. i think i secretly feared that it was a boy. i secretly feared being somehow disappointed if i found out prior to his birth. but still, i knew. i knew in my heart this child was a boy. although admittedly, the night before we went to the hospital, i packed some girl clothes just in case.

when they announced it was a boy, i wasn't surprised ... at all. in fact, the only surprise was how unsurprised i was... and then i saw him and that became the surprise. complete opposite of what chloe had looked like as a newborn, there was this tiny, pink baby with rosy cheeks and just a tiny bit of light blondish hair. lots of mothers talk about how love at first sight doesn't always occur with newborns, but it was almost immediate with parker.

three years later, i often think to myself that if i ever had more children, i would secretly wish for more boys. i had always heard that there was something special about little boys and their mamas and it's so true, in an undefinable sense. parker is all boy in his growing affinity for all things related to dinosaurs and superheros, but he is also one of the sweetest, kindest children. instead of saying "i love you", he always says, "i wuv you, too"... even if he is saying it first. he loves his sister, so much so that he refers to her as "my chwoe".. and his "chwoe" is the first person he asks for in the morning. he is growing like a weed and constantly reminds us that he is a "big boy now" because he is "fwee" and no longer two.

birthdays are the moments you want to live in. but there is tension if you linger too long. you look at a photograph that you took a few hours ago and you can already envision yourself ten years from now looking at the same photograph weeping over how young they were. or how old you are now. or both. lingering too long brings about that painful awareness that i've blogged about recently of how fleeting our time is. how fast our children are growing. how fast we are aging. and perhaps, even more painful, how powerless we are to stop any of it. or even slow it. that's the harsh reality of adulthood.

oh, to be "fwee" and consequently, free from the knowledge of how fast life is moving.

happily never after... life post-divorce.

May 13, 2000

"one often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it".

master oogway (kung fu panda)

those smiling faces peeking out of the back of that 1939 Ford Model A had no inclination that the road would lead to where we are today. wise master oogway is actually quoting a french proverb and while i don't know if that is considered a universal proverbial truth; and while i don't believe this was our "destiny" per se, it is certainly truth, or rather - reality - in our lives. its also a fitting caption to the photo. two kids in their early twenties beginning a life together desperate to avoid taking the same road as our own parents.

i [finally] disclosed my relationship/marital status on my facebook account today. there is some humor to be gleaned in the fact that this was - in and of itself - a very serious step towards some new, ambiguous level of personal growth and self-acceptance. i received an onslaught of comments and personal messages in my inbox. a paradoxical mix of congatulations and condolences and prayers and concerns and questions.

this is my first blog about divorce. which is weird, considering that despite my inability to utter it, it has been a definitive reality of my life for a very long time now. admittedly, i was secretly relieved at the options i had to choose from on facebook; relieved that i could simply click on 'single', rather than what i really am, which is divorced. there. i've said it. it's out there. like shining a light on the elephant in the room. divorced isn't an option on facebook. maybe their people caught on to how burdensome it is to carry that label and facebook is supposed to be fun... and enjoyable... and easy. and divorce is so... um, none of those things.

divorce. it's such an ugly word. there are no pleasing, light-hearted sounding synonyms. i have spent so much time fruitlessly searching the thesaurus to find something that sounds... i don't know, prettier. less tragic. splitsville is actually listed as a synonym, which is funny to me. this entire blog could have just as easily been titled postcards from splitsville, but i felt that was too one-dimensional. i didn't want to be defined by my marital status, or rather, lack thereof and who am i kidding... when i began blogging again, i couldn't bring myself to even say the word. not even type it. when my search for a pleasing synonym or acronym left me empty handed, i resorted to foreign languages. surely it would sound prettier in french. le divorce. no. not much different. spanish? divorcio. perfecto. like, bingo. deee.vorc.eee.oh. it's almost fun to say. almost. but there is nothing funny about divorce. or so my mother says, often. she says this to me whenever i try to find humor in the reality of my life. she tells me this as if she really believes [i mean, really, really believes] that i find the end of my marriage - and life as i knew it - to be hilarious. the truth is, her really believing that is the only thing that is hilarious. at some point, i will inevitably blog about the humor i find in post-divorce life. please let this be my disclaimer that i really do not find divorce to be hilarious.

what can i tell you about el divorcio? i can tell you that it is not as bad as it sounds and yet, at the same time, sometimes, every bit as bad as it sounds. of course, its a completely subjective experience, but no matter where one falls on the spectrum of marital failure, it is - inevitably - the biggest, juiciest slice of humble pie that one could ever be served. it cannot be consumed in one sitting, only piece by piece over time. it is not delicious, which is ironic, because at times it seems everyone wants a piece of it in their mouth and eagerly shares it with others.

more than anything else, divorce is like death, both figuratively and literally. divorce is a death. all the counselors and books and classes tell you so. complete witht the five stages of grieving. perhaps the only difference is when an individual literally dies we conjure up all sorts of phrases that are much more easily swallowed by others. you know, like "passed away" or "dearly departed" or my personal favorite, "gone home to be with Jesus". when asked about a loved one who has "gone home", we have all sorts of stoic ways to respond without having to come out and repeat the often harsh and tragic truth to them or to ourselves, which is simply: "they're dead". no. we avoid using the d word at all costs when there is a death. the english lanaguage doesn't offer up and comforting alternatives for the other d word.

perhaps there are no more easily swallowed words or descriptions, because it cannot be candy coated. the consequences of divorce overshadow circumstances. it matters not how it ended or why, the fallout is inescapable. divorce is tragically painful, publicly humiliating, deeply wounding and a plethora of other less than desirable emotions and experiences. as christians, we often compartmentalize our deepest personal sins and failures - as well as those of others, selecting what we believe falls within the realm of God's grace and what should not. or could not. we often embrace legalism, because if we can somehow earn God's favor based on our performance, we are way ahead of [and by ahead of, i mean better than] so many people. [and by we, i mean me] because pre-divorce, that was me, walking the fine line between legalism and hypocrisy. some wrong beliefs and right behavior. some right beliefs and wrong behavior. and when confronted with the reality of divorce (read: other peoples' divorces) i would scoff in both pity and judgmental criticism.

scoffing is so very, very difficult when you have a mouthful of humble pie.

divorce is so deeply personal. i've needed to write about it [because that is just what i do] but i've struggled with finding the boundaries, both in and out of the blogosphere. initially, i divulged information freely, desperately trying to maintain my ability to manipulate perceptions or gain and maintain acceptance. i finally realized that either was a pointless effort and that sharing too much was ultimately dishonoring to what was. to who we were. to who we are. it is a daily struggle to quelch the desire to explain and i know it is an equal struggle for others not to ask. inquiring minds want to know. this is why we read tabloids. our human nature desires details. we want answers and yet, i have none to give. there was no single catalyst. no final proverbial straw. it was a slow fade. exactly like the song by casting crowns.... and that, my sweets, is all that i will ever say about that.

divorce is like every other deep personal failure and tragedy that shakes us to our core in adulthood, especially the ones that seemingly depart from God's intent and will. the only thing that comes close to it, in my adult life, was the tragic death of my step-dad that i recently blogged about. i don't believe that God wills tragedy. i believe tragedies - including divorce - occur because we live in a fallen world. and because we are fallen humans. but, having been through it and come out on the other side of it, i also believe - no, i know - that His grace and goodness and faithfulness are big enough, even for this. and i rest on the promise of Romans 8:28 - that He can use ALL THINGS (read: yes, even this) for His good and to glorify His name.

more to come from splitsville later.

musical christmas cheer

my children are sooo, um, musically inclined... lol (scroll to bottom of blog to pause music first)..

merry christmas, charlie brown! by parker

jesus messiah by chloe

wise men...

a blogworthy ornament. i just love this one....

morning view and morning mercies...

morning view from my bedroom window

i didn't pick out the location of my current home in terms of where it is logistically in the neighborhood. i would've much preferred a cul de sac or end of street. i would've much preferred another garden home over a townhome, too... but, as we all know, beggars simply cannot be choosers and you know, *times are tough* [my new favorite phrase]. that said, this particular home and it's particular price, necessitated quick action. i looked at it late one afternoon and made the decision that same evening. i didn't see it again until i moved in and had a little apprehension about whether or not i had made the right choice. this was not a home i fell in love with at first sight. this is one i'd have to get to know first... and learn to love... or rather, choose to love. i would choose to think about all of the positives and avoid - dwelling on what i percieved to be negatives. doing this was much more difficult than i anticipated and the dire opposite of my human nature. i would start by being extremely grateful and thankful - sincerely thankful - that i simply have a roof over my head.

when i woke up my first morning here, i silently lamented the realiziation my room obviously faced east, sunlight was peaking in even through the edges of my dark curtains. i'd have to do a better job closing the curtains, i thought. but instead, i got up and opened the blinds to a breathtaking sunrise. coincidence? God's providence? i know not. if nothing else, certainly a depiction of His faithfulness. the verse that was hidden in my heart and immediately ushered into my mind was, "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

His mercies, like the sunrise, are new every morning. and i so need them to be.

fleeting...

i snapped these *precious* photos today on a walk on the walking trail in my neighborhood. this was definitely one of those moments... you know, the ones you try to live in. children grow so gradually and yet, at the same time, so very fast. i detest the feeling that occasionally overwhelms you - the feeling you get where in a rare moment of pause, you become blatantly aware of the speed at which they are growing and at which life is moving. fleeting. so very, very fleeting. perhaps this is why i never stand still.

the necessity of resolutions... and my home

i don't believe in new years' resolutions. i really don't. i never make any. i've always believed it to be another avenue leading to self-disappointment, writing checks to ourselves we can't cash, hoping the idea that a new year will somehow equate to a new beginning and well, you know. point is, i'm so overcommitted in recent weeks that my skin is becoming transparent from stretching myself so thin. i've already been to two christmas parties this week, the kids and i have two birthday parties to attend on saturday, i'm hosting a christmas party for another one of my *annual* groups of girlfriends/former coworkers and the icing on the proverbial cake: my dad called yesterday to tell me he's coming for a weekend visit. today.

combine this with the incessant vacuuming that is occuring in my house that is completely covered in magic elf snowflakes and that, my friends, is a recipe for suicidal idealizations. my new year's resolution is simply to stop overcommitting myself. it's not that i can't say no. i have no problem saying no to crap i don't really want to do. i am, however, obviously incapable of knowing when to say no, of having to prioritize all the things i want to do, or would like to do. at 32, i'm having trouble admitting to myself that i really can't do it all. working part time and having two preschoolers is the equivalent of two full time jobs. maybe three. i'm no longer worried about the effects of a stressful [social] calendar on my physical health as much as i am worried about its effects on my physical appearance. i'm finding gray hairs. daily. and wrinkles. daily. i can hear the voices in my head, "have you seen nadia lately?.. she looks so.. so.. haggard."... "so tired". i don't have the money for botox and hair coloring, kids. i have got to slow down. i think there is a reason that my "life verse" is psalm 46:10 (Be still and know that I am God.)... the Lord knows that verse is the exact opposite of my own nature.

all that to say, my house will probably never be as clean as it is today and so provides the perfect opportunity to share my home with those of you who have not seen where i live.

[oh, and very special thanks to my friend, stacy, for hooking me up with the replacement glass for my coffee table.]

gift wrapping fun

i found these great stackable boxes in sets of three at burlington... wrapped up in my hobby lobby paper and walmart ribbon, these boxes are a reusable treat! ... [what is happening to me?!]

Before:

After:

o christmas tree...

i love a hearth by a christmas tree. >sigh< i honestly don't know why i've resorted to posting about home decor and recipes as of late. perhaps this is my new method of avoidance.... pouring out all the superficialities of life and stuffing everything else in the stockings... or in my baggage. happy holidays!

the return of the elves...

our magic elves, crissy and tyler, are back from the north pole... as evidenced by their decorating of the kids' christmas trees in the middle of the night. chloe and parker awoke to find the elves sitting under their trees in their rooms [and on a sidenote: in case you've ever wondered why there is a disproportionate amount of chloe photographs, it's because parker is very opinionated about when i can photograph him.] chloe on the other hand, not so much... she's always ready for a photo op. . . (i don't know where she gets that from....) ;) HAPPY HOLIDAYS!