Monday, December 29, 2008

new years... um, intentions!

i love a new year. i typically consider my birthday to be the true beginning of a new year for myself, but not this year. my birthday is in august, which would mean i am only four months into my own personal new year and that just won't do. i need a redo, so i'm joining the masses and celebrating new year's the old fashioned way. on december 31st. and i'm making my list. only not of resolutions.

i don't believe in new year's resolutions. i really don't. which is odd considering that i meticulously construct my life upon the foundation of utterly unrealistic expectations... one would expect, given that, and my ever-increasing ocd, type A personality, that'd i'd adore the idea of putting said unrealistic expectations into a neat little list. but, it just isn't so. i've always considered resolutions to be trickery of some sorts, setting ourselves up for complete and total failure. and since i am equally terrified of both success and failure, the very idea of formulating an itemized list of all that i need to 'resolve' in my life is more than i can take. i'm much more content with my unresolvedness [i know, thats not a word] being ambiguous, lurking like some mysterious cloud over my head, shading my world with gray... which is shade i've grown quite fond of in recent years.

but i digress. and i do so because i'm beginning to recognize the need for resolve... and frankly, all of the unresolvedness [still not a word] is taking its toll. i'm tired of living in indefinable shades of gray. i need some sunshine. i need a list. because clearly, all of these years of not making a list has not fared so well for me. it's no secret that my life thus far has turned out the complete opposite of what i had so meticulously planned and expected. something's gotta give.

that said, resolution is still too strong a word. i prefer intentions. my list of good intentions. i know the world is on proverbial pins and needles seeing which masses of unresolvedness will top my list, but for that, you will have to wait. until new year's eve. because that's tradition. like black eyed peas and hambone at my mama's on new year's day.

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