Thursday, September 4, 2008

a work in progress...

i woke up early yesterday morning. not predawn early. but early for me. that familiar, quiet voice was calling me. again. most mornings, it seems i do what i can to drown it out. even if i crawl out of bed, i busy myself with distractions, chores and preparations for the day. i made my way down the stairs to my chair at the end of the kitchen table. this is where we meet. there are seasons where i come here daily. and those where i don't show up at all. our relationship is irregular. sporadic. and, like all of my other relationships with fathers and men, extraordinarily messy. i open my journal, reluctantly – not wanting to know how long it has been this time. two months. oh, perhaps i have made time in the car or as my head hits the pillow or at the dinner table to sing “God our father" with the kids, but it has been two months since i last sat down here. i shake my head before i lay it in my hands on the table.

i don’t have to speak. he already knows my thoughts. and my heart. he knows that in the quiet of this moment, i am silently pondering why he is still here… in relentless pursuit of me. why? “because I am faithful, even when you are faithless.” i am the proverbial prodigal daughter. over and over again. “it doesn’t have to be this way, you know.” anyone else would have been long gone by now having long grown tired of my inconsistencies, my broken promises, my half-hearted efforts, my failures. “I will not ever leave you or forsake you.”

i am not worthy of this love. or of this persistence. with curiosity, i open my shiny new quarterly devotional and turn to the date, wondering what it was that He had to say to me today. what was it about today’s message that applied specifically to me? see for yourself…

----------
Before god put Adam into the garden, he “formed” him. There’s a process of preparation God takes us through in order to make us what we need to be. But preparation takes time. God must deal with our inconsistencies, personality defects, areas of distrust, unresolved childhood issues, scars, flaws, etc. How long does it take? Only God knows.
Admit it; even at your age don’t you still recognize some childish ways in yourself. Anybody else would have given up on you, but God has a plan and He’s committed to it. We should all wear a sign that says: “Work in progress. If you hire me, you need to know that. If you marry me, you need to know that.”

The Bible says the Lord “formed man out of the dust of the ground” (Ge 2:7). What’s God working with? DIRT! And the tools He uses to form you are the experiences you go through in life. They shape and alter you. And the more you keep trying to have it your way, the longer the process takes. It may take you five years to learn to quit people-pleasing, or ten years to stop feeling sorry for yourself, or twenty years to stop going back and reliving your childhood. All the while God is telling you, “Stop it,” and you’re saying, “Yeah, I know. I’m gonna do better.” Then finally a crisis hits you and the truth hits you. At that point you say, “You know what? I am going to forget those things which are behind and start reaching for those things which are before…” (Php 3:13)

-----

i am often reluctant to blog about my Christianity, ashamed that my own life doesn't always reflect His glory. i often feel the same way in church on sunday mornings, longing to sing his praises but feeling unworthy of doing so because of the choices i've made monday through saturday of that week. but there is one thing i have learned about our God that needs to be shared and that is that He is worthy of our praise even when we feel unworthy of praising him.

God is so faithful. even when we [read: me] are [utterly] faithless.

I am a work in progress.
If you read my blog, you need to know this.
If you are my friend, you need to know this.

2 comments:

  1. Wow, couldn't have said it better myself and I can relate to every word, as usual. We are all a work in progress and just know that I love you and am right beside you every step down that road!

    Blogalicious, my friend. Blogalicious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautifully written, Nadia.
    Your writing shows that His work is progressing well in you.

    God Bless!

    Mia

    ReplyDelete